Fighting and Winning

I went for a run this evening for the first time in two months. What put me on pause was a sprained ankle. I think what caused the sprained ankle was God saying, "Mindy, I see you headed down this path of self-destruction and because you won't turn yourself around, I'm going to." Even though it frustrated me to no end, I'm glad He did. 

So, I'm about to start running on this track when I see my shadow. I thought to myself, I'll turn around when I start to run so my shadow will be behind me so I don't have to see it. And when I was about to start running, I turned around to run the opposite way. 

But then I turned back around after a few steps. I had realized something. 

Everything around me tells me I should hate my body because I'm 'fat' and curvy. I'm not a size 4, nor am I an XS (extra small). And, sadly, at times I find myself buying into it. I almost did tonight. 

I saw my shadow and knew that when I ran, I would see my hips bounce and I hated that thought. But when I turned around to run the opposite way, to not have to see my shadow, I realized that I was letting the

self-hate win. I had to fight. 

And by fighting, I won. 

This encourages me to keep fighting, not only against self-hatred regarding my body, but with other issues as well. If I fight, I win. But, if I turn and go the opposite way, I lose, and that other thing wins. 

I will fight. And I will win. No matter what it is. I will win. 

The Love of God

At one point, I thought I had 'gotten' God's love. I thought I had finally come to receive it. Well, I was wrong. If there has ever been a time in my life when I have truly felt God wooing me with His love, it's now. Maybe it's because of the book I'm reading, the music I'm listening to, or the people in my life that the topic of His love has so been on my mind and heart for a few weeks now. Whatever the case, I think the truth of His unconditional love is penetrating my heart. If it's not penetrating yet, it's definitely shaking the walls I've put up to guard it.

I've been reading John Eldredge's book, The Sacred Romance. My friend sent me a copy of it before she left for Sudan for a year, not knowing that I already had a copy of it, and had read it before. When I read it before, I blew through it, not gleaning much. This time, I've been taking my time through it.

Okay, I've got to tell a story before I can go further. I had read up to chapter 8 when I accidentally left it on top of the car and drove off. When I realized what I had done, I retraced my drive, but the book was nowhere to be found. I had another copy at home, but this one was special...my friend had written an inscription in it. The words she wrote were her hope for me as I read through the book. Even though her words are gone, the hope that was in them remains.

Before I lost the book, I was unintentionally straying from that hope. Her hope for me was to realize even more God's love for me. The opposite was happening. I was misunderstanding everything I was reading. My distorted interpretation was making God look like someone who was out to get me and who didn't care about me at all.

All of that changed when I lost the book. I had been highlighting things I felt were important, and all that was gone, too. So, I decided to start the book over with the other copy I had. Since I have, my friend's hope for me has, I think, begun to be realized. I have understood all that I previously misconstrued.

One of the things the authors of this book have been discussing is that so often, we come to believe that God's heart towards us is not good, just as our first parents (Adam and Eve) were tricked into believing. We are deceived into believing this through the things that happen to us. The authors talk about how, because we tend to relate to God as the author, and not a character in the story, we don't see His heart as good. We see Him as the author writing scripts for us that aren't exactly what we'd like. His scripts seem to include pain and suffering, trials and temptations. So, #1, we decide to write our own scripts and #2 decide life wouldn't be much different if there weren't a God.

But, the authors suggest that we look at God not as author, but as the Hero of the story. If we break His story into acts of a play, we see that in Act I, He exists in the Trinity, as He always has and always will. The Trinity is the relational intimacy we were all made for. Eldredge writes, "Overflowing with the generosity that comes from the abundance of real love, he creates us to share in the joy of this heroic intimacy."

In Act II, we have God's heart being betrayed. "Satan mounted rebellion through the power of one idea: God doesn't have a good heart."

In Act III, God's heart is put on trial. "In love God creates us for love and we give him the back of our hand. Why? Satan gets us to side with him by sowing the seed of doubt in our first parents' minds: "God's heart really isn't good. He's holding out on you. You've got to take things into your own hands." And Paradise was lost."

This next part is the part that stirs my heart and shakes the distorted view of God that I've developed. Eldredge writes:

"Yet there was something about the heart of God that the angels and our first parents had not yet seen. Here, at the lowest point in our relationship, God announces his intention never to abandon us but to seek us out and win us back. "I will come for you." Grace introduces a new element of God's heart. Up till this point we knew he was rich, famous, influential, even generous. Behind all that can still hide a heart that is less than good. Grace removes all doubt."

Through this book, I am seeing the fierce, unconditional, unrelenting love God has for us; that He has for me. Because of His love for me, He is willing to do whatever it takes to win me back. Eldredge shares something that was written in Ezekiel. It's God saying this, "I will answer you according to your idols [your false lovers] in order to recapture your heart."

One of the most amazing things is that God could have forced us to love Him. But, He knew that would not be real love. "In order for a true romance to occur, we had to be free to reject him." I can't imagine loving someone so much, so much that I would be willing to do anything to get them to love me, and yet they still refuse to. But, God has done that.

Another thing regarding His love for me that I've been thinking about is this from Romans 5:8

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:6-8 in The Message reads this way:

"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't  and doesn't  wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."

If God sent His Son to die for me when I was still dead in my sin, why do I think I have to have it all together for Him now? The verse says that "He showed His love for us in that...." He loved me so much that He sent His son to die for me when I was still a sinner. It didn't matter to Him if I was a sinner or not. He loved me so much that Christ died. So, I can be confident that He loves me now, no matter what mess I find myself in, right?

The other night at my small group, I was leading worship. I played and sang the song, "How He Loves", for the second week in a row. This time when I was playing it, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper into my spirit, "You don't have to strive." I think so often, I strive to earn His love. I strive to be perfect, cleaned up, and good enough for Him to love. But, He loves me even at my worst and lowest times.

I think it's no strange thing that He is wooing me with His love right now. I need Him to woo me. If He doesn't, I'll probably run away. The season I'm in right now is a tough one, one of refining. Things are coming up and out of me that no one wants to admit are in their hearts and minds. And they are all the result of someone else's actions against me. But, no matter, Satan is pummeling me with his shame and guilt and disgust of myself.

And I'm fighting hard against his strong gales, but the shame is still there, begging me to give into it. I see God's wooing me as Him fighting for me. Because I am constantly thinking about His love and about how unconditional it is, and because He is constantly revealing it to me, I am able to not give in completely to the shame and despair I feel lurking in the darkness around me.

I don't know if I'm expressing all that I want to, or if I'm doing it the way I want to. God's love is not something you can put words to. I can't quite put words to the feelings I get when I read this book, or hear a song about His love for me, or think about all that I sense is being revealed to me about His love for me. All I know is that it is good. As the song I'm listening to as I write this says, "I am seeing who You really are." I'm seeing that His heart towards me really is good. And I'm realizing His love.

May you, too, begin to realize His love for you; how vast and how deep and how wide and how long it is, how unconditional it is, how fierce and wild it is, how peaceful it is...how great it really is.


Quotations taken from The Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge, and the ESV and Message Bibles

Where Am I Looking?

A friend of mine wrote out some encouraging note cards with Scripture verses and quotes from books and devotionals for me a while back. I've recently gotten them out and have been clinging to their truths and the hope that they give. One of these note cards says this: "You'll be upset if you look at people too much. If you look around, you'll be distracted. If you look within yourself, you'll be discouraged. Only as you keep looking unto Jesus will you develop confidence and peace." (Life's Ultimate Privilege by DeVern Franke.)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have a tendency to look around and at myself and at other people, all leading to everything but confidence and peace.

Looking at people: I have a tendency to care too much about what other people think about me. This has been making itself evident, yet again, as I've been questioning what other people think about where I am spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. My questioning has been leading to frustration, as I have some who tell me I'm okay where I am, but others who indirectly say that I'm not okay where I am. It is also leading to lies and shame and more attacks from the enemy.

Looking at/within myself: I have the false belief that I need to make things happen, but in reality, I can't make anything that needs to happen, happen. I'm setting myself up for discouragement, and I have been discouraged. The looking at other people has led to upset because I have no idea if they are right or wrong, and the looking at myself has led to discouragement because I've been dependent on myself when I can't do anything in my own strength.

Looking around: I've been looking around at everything but the One I need to be looking at and have lost my focus. I think I'm like Peter when he walked on the water. He was doing well, but then he started to look around and got distracted and sank.

I had something happen today that brought all of this to my mind:

I was driving down the road this afternoon to meet a friend for lunch and was stopped behind a line of vehicles at a red light. The light turned green, and traffic started to move. I had stepped on the gas a little when I looked at the person in the car next to me. I got completely distracted. When I looked back to the road in front of me three seconds later, traffic had stopped again and I had to slam on my breaks to avoid colliding with the vehicle in front of me. I was so relieved that I looked back to the road when I did.

Just like I have to keep my focus on the road when driving, I have to keep my focus on Jesus. I can't be looking at other people, within myself, or just looking around. If I don't keep my focus on Him, I'm going to crash, like I almost did today.

Letting Go of the Oars

Last weekend, God showed me something. 

I saw myself in a boat with oars headed down a river with a heavy flow. I had the oars in my hands, using all of my strength to try and row myself back up-stream, when really I need to let the water carry me where it needs to take me.

I know God has been trying to take me places in Him and in this healing process that I'm terrified to go. I think I'm afraid of the unknown and lack of control. He is asking me to trust Him, but I've been saying no because of fear. I've been so afraid of the process that I've been fighting it and trying to make things happen on my own.

On Sunday, I was at the altar, asking God why He wouldn't just take the oars away. He told me that if He took them away, He'd be taking my choice away.


I have the choice to continue to fight and use all of my strength to try and row back up-stream, or I can let go of the oars and trust that He will take me only where He wants me to go, trusting that His plan is good and that He is with me and that He has me and isn't going to leave, but above all, trusting that He is good.

I realized tonight that by fighting against the flow of His waters by trying to row against them I'm wasting my energy. Wouldn't it be better to rest and let Him carry me where He wants me to go?

By letting go of the oars, I'm letting go of my fears and placing my trust in the One Who deserves it.

(Fear doesn't deserve my trust. What has it ever done for me?)

Shining Your Brights

It's funny the things God uses to speak to me about spiritual concepts. It's also interesting how many lessons we can learn from driving. For instance, "You can't drive forward while you're looking in the rear-view mirror" translates to, "You can't go forward while you're looking backward". Here's another one:

On the way home tonight, I was following a car that had their bright lights on. I learned from a friend months ago that when I'm so many feet behind a vehicle, I should not have mine on, so I kept them off. I was close enough to the car in front of me, though, that their bright lights actually helped me to see better, too. 

I realized that in life, we need to let our brightest light shine so that those who are following us can see, too, because their lights aren't bright enough. Maybe their light isn't bright enough because of brokenness or because they don't know the Lord, or any other number of reasons. But they need our lights to shine so that they can see. 

Matthew 5:16 says, "...let your light shine before others...". The whole verse is, "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good deeds and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

So, come on, let your light shine; turn on your brights. You never know who may be following you. 

Split in the Path

I went running the other day on a trail that's new to me. It wasn't marked very well and I found myself lost a few times. In a few places, the trail split off into two different directions, leaving me unsure of which one to go. I chose one and after running down it for a few minutes, realized it was probably the wrong direction. So, those times I realized I had more than likely gone the wrong direction, I backtracked and followed the other direction the trail led.

I had recently downloaded a pedometer onto my iPod and was using it to track my mileage during my run. As I was thinking about it, I realized that my pedometer didn't stop counting my steps when I had to backtrack, but it added to them.

Sometimes, the trail we are on isn't clearly marked, and we are faced with a split in the road and the decision of which direction to take. We might take one direction, thinking it was the right one, only to realize it wasn't. So, we backtrack and go the direction we should have gone.

But, God doesn't discount the steps we've already taken, though they might have been in the wrong direction. He doesn't get mad at us when we falter and lose our way, but because of His grace, mercy, love, and kindness, He uses those experiences/steps to our advantage. He uses the things we learn on that wrong trail to teach us so that they can be used on the path He wants us to take.

Not only this, but He'll use us to help others to know which direction to go and not to go. We've already run the trail, and we know which direction leads the right way.

Staying Close to Him

I work with adults with developmental disabilities, advocating for their independence. Part of my job includes going out with a small group of consumers (that's the 'technical' word we use for the program participants) in the community to do a job. One of the jobs we do is litter pick-up at the casino. That was what I did today.

We were in the parking garage, picking up litter, when a car drove into the entrance that I and two other of my consumers were near. Some of the consumers need a little more supervision than others, and I had one such individual with me. I told her to stay close to me as we kept moving and as the car continued to pull into the garage. As soon as I said those words, "Stay close to me", the Lord spoke to my heart, saying, "That's what I want you to do...stay close to Me."

Just like I was trying to protect my consumer by having her stay close to me, God is protecting me when I stay close to Him. If my consumer would have moved away from me, she would have been in danger of being hit by the vehicle. When I move away from God, I put myself in danger of being harmed by the enemy and any of his "oncoming vehicles". Staying close to God is not only about being in relationship with Him and having intimacy with Him. It's also about us being in that safe place where we allow God to protect us.