God's fingers, glue, and the pieces of me

Bebo Norman wrote a song, God Of My Everything, that has really spoken to me. In the first verse, there is a line that says, 'Gather the pieces that are broken'. That has become my prayer.

Only recently have I begun to see my brokenness, and it's everywhere. I don't think there is one part of my life that is not broken. Try on that realization and see what life would look like. I know we all have our brokenness, but when it seems like it is in every area of your life, it begins to look overwhelming and hopeless.

And I really am in pieces. Since meeting my dad, I've split off into different parts that serve as different functions. I have an angry part who is just angry all the time at everything, a numb part who takes over when all the emotions are too much, a child part who felt it all, and an adult part who tries to keep things going in the real world. I also have a Christian part who, I think, is the real me apart from all of this stuff. But, I only get glimpses of her. But, all of these pieces put together again form a whole person. But, until I'm together again, I'm fractured and broken.

I almost feel like Humpty Dumpty. We all know the nursery rhyme:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
And all the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

I'm thankful that my name's not in that nursery rhyme.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you had to do a craft that involved gluing things to paper? Remember how your hands got covered in glue? I think that's how God's hands are as He is trying to put me back together. But, He's not afraid of the mess.

He is in the process of taking my pieces and putting them back together. Sometimes, that process hurts. Each piece has to be glued on one at a time, and I am having to look at each piece of me one at a time. It's very overwhelming.

But, I'm very glad that God's fingers are gentle. Being broken hurts enough.

I know that He will put me back together again, but it's taking a very long time. I forget sometimes that He is not on my time table, but I am on His. I forget that He is putting me back together, and that I don't have to do it by myself.

And I forget that when I am all put back together, I might not look the way I expect. I might still have some holes where the Light can shine through.

My Grand Adventure

This summer has been one unsure day right after the next. I never know what my life is going to look like from day to day. I guess that keeps life interesting, right?

As I write, I'm sitting in a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis. I got to Indy on Thursday afternoon after spending a week in Marion, Indiana, with a family from my church there. I left home on July 1st, after being home for a week from my last trip.

Here's what my life has looked like this summer so far: I spent about 4 weeks at home and then left for Indianapolis on the 20th. My church's youth group was headed to church camp in Hartford City, which is right by Taylor University (my Alma Mater). So, I rode up with them to Indy and got dropped off there to spend time with my best friend and roommate from Junior year. Wednesday of that week, we drove to Marion where I stayed with a family from my church. Marion is right by Upland, which is where Taylor is. I was there until Friday, when I caught a ride home with my church's youth group. I spent a week at home, and then left again on July 1st to go back to Marion. I stayed there until July 7th and then left for Indianapolis. When I talked to my friend about going to stay with her in Indy, it was decided that I could stay with her for a week, which would put me at July 14th. So, I said that was fine, but I had no idea what I was going to do once that week was up. I wasn't sure I wanted to go home or back to Marion. But, I figured I would decide when the week was over.

I was on Facebook Wednesday evening when I got a message from a college friend who lives in California. She wanted to know what I was doing in the next few months because she and her mom wanted to fly me out for a few weeks of fun, relaxation, and adventure. I read the message and couldn't believe what I was reading. We chatted on Facebook chat for a few minutes and then her mom started talking to me on chat, too. She asked when I wanted to come and if I could get to Indianapolis to the airport and that they were thinking sometime next week. I was shocked. I told them that I was already going to be in Indianapolis on that Thursday and that that would work out perfectly. So, they booked a flight for 6:30 Thursday evening, July 14th.

In one moment I went from not knowing where I was going to go to knowing exactly where I'd be going. My friend and her mom decided to get a one way ticket so that we could leave the return date open, because I'm just not sure when I'm going to need to come back. My return to Indiana depends on what happens with Mercy Ministries, as I'm still waiting on that process. I'm not quite sure why I'm being sent to California, but I'm very grateful. There are so many adventures waiting for me there!

My friend and I were talking last night before we drifted off to sleep about how she has seen the hand of God on and in my life these last few years that she has known me. I don't always see it, but I think with this, I'm beginning to. I don't know what God is up to, but I do know that this is going to be a grand adventure. I have never been on a plane before, nor have I been to the West Coast. Both of these things have been dreams of mine, and now they are coming true. I never thought they would. And the amazing thing is that it's really costing me nothing, which is even more of a blessing!

I am amazed at the people God has put into my life who bless me and love me when there is no reason for them to. Many times I just wonder why, because I don't deserve any of it.

Found in the Aftermath

Aftermath- Hillsong United
[Verse 1:]
The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me
[Chorus 1:]
In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
[Verse 2:]
Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me
[Chorus 2:]
In that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath
[Bridge:]
And I know that You're with me
Yes I know that You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way
[Chorus 3:]
Now all I have I count it all as loss
But to know You and to carry the cross
Knowing I'm found
In the light of the aftermath


This song speaks to me. I know it's talking about how we are found in the aftermath of the cross and what He did on Calvary, but I can't help relating it to my current situations. If you've been following me, you would know that life hasn't been easy. I'm in the process of applying to Mercy Ministries, and actually just sent in the last part of my application on the 4th of July. Now, I just have more waiting to do.

In the mean time, things have been pretty rough. A lot of things at home have been crazy, and then I've been noticing a lot of things in myself that are bothersome. Not to mention that the pain I feel inside is incredibly much. I feel like a pop bottle that has been shaken up and when the cap is taken off, it explodes because of the pressure inside. Or I feel like a glass doll or figure that is already tipping and just the slightest breeze will send me over the edge, shattering onto the floor. The emotions I feel inside, and am trying to suppress, are so intense that I feel that if I let them out, if I feel them, I will die.

And the dumb thing is that I know I need to let them come. I need to feel them. I need to take that cap off and let what's inside come exploding out. I need to take all of my guards down, unlock the dead bolts, let my walls fall...but I don't want to.

But, when I do, I think the words in this song will ring true. He will be there, lighting the way with His love as to what I need to let out and where He needs to get in to do some repairs. He will be with me during the explosions and when I feel like I'm going to die.

And He will find me in the aftermath of all of this that needs to be dealt with and felt. I won't die or be lost. He will find me.

And in this truth, there is hope. The hope that I will be found in my aftermath.

Being Remade

I Am New- Jason Gray

NOW I WON’T DENY THE WORST YOU COULD SAY ABOUT ME
BUT I’M NOT DEFINED BY MISTAKES THAT I’VE MADE BECAUSE GOD SAYS OF ME

I AM NOT WHO I WAS, I AM BEING REMADE, I AM NEW
I AM CHOSEN AND HOLY AND I’M DEARLY LOVED, I AM NEW, I AM NEW

WHO I THOUGHT I WAS AND WHO I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE
I HAD TO GIVE THEM BOTH UP CAUSE NEITHER WERE WILLING TO EVER BELIEVE

TOO LONG I HAVE LIVED IN THE SHADOWS OF SHAME
BELIEVING THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD CHANGE
BUT THE ONE WHO IS MAKING EVERYTHING NEW DOESN’T SEE ME THE WAY THAT I DO
HE DOESN’T SEE ME THE WAY THAT I DO

I AM NOT WHO I WAS, I AM BEING REMADE, I AM NEW
DEAD TO THE OLD MAN, I’M COMING ALIVE, I AM NEW, I AM NEW

FORGIVEN, BELOVED, HIDDEN IN CHRIST
MADE IN THE IMAGE OF THE GIVER OF LIFE
RIGHTEOUS AND HOLY, REBORN AND REMADE
ACCEPTED AND WORTHY, THIS IS OUR NEW NAME
THIS IS WHO WE ARE NOW

I love the words in this song. I love the truth that God does not see me the way I see me. He sees me as unbroken, unblemished, whole, without shame, new, clean, beautiful, worthy....He loves me when I don't love myself. When I try to hide because of shame, He shines His light on me, refusing to let me hide. I am made in His image. He's the giver of life and I'm made in His image. That's crazy. I am accepted when others reject me.

I am being remade. I'm getting a new name. There's more I'd love to say about this song, but I think the lyrics speak for themselves.

Me-1, Fireworks-0

Well, I conquered my fear of the loud explosions of fireworks...I sat through probably my first fireworks show without plugging my ears. I was pretty close to where they were setting them off, too. I've been afraid of the loud noise since I can remember. I've also been afraid of popping balloons. But, now that I think I know the reason why, it's not so scary.

My dad popped a balloon around me when I was little, or so my mom said when I asked her. My theory is that instead of being afraid of my dad, who I was afraid of because of what he was doing to me, I turned that fear onto the balloon. It makes sense to me, but whether it's true or not, I don't know. I can only speculate.

But if it helps me overcome my fear of fireworks and balloons popping and exploding, then I say it's true.

Me-1, Fireworks-0

Mercy

Well, it's June 7, and I'm still at home. Home is getting more and more stressful with each day. I can't say anything without being yelled or screamed at by my sister. A person can only take so much of that before they break. I'm about to that point. And there are other things going on with my family that I'm not going to mention simply because I don't want my family to stumble upon this blog and know that I'm talking about them. You understand.

But, since being at home, I've been really annoyed. I was talking with one of my 'moms' the other night and it just came out that I'm afraid of running into my dad while I'm here. He lives twenty minutes away, and I just don't think I can handle running into him. It would be too much for me. I did see him once at the beginning of my time at home, but his back was to me and we didn't see each other face-to-face. But, I think I was suppressing my fear, and it was turning into aggravation and irritation. I'm constantly afraid of running into him, and therefore am looking behind and all around me when I'm in a public place. And, my hypervigilance has been way hyper because I'm afraid of something or someone being there. I hate jumping at everything.

But, while being home, amidst the chaos, I'm still working through my application for Mercy Ministries. It's a tedious application, and I'm getting tired. I'm getting into the part where finances are going to have to come through. I have to get a physical, a TB test, blood work, and I don't even have insurance. I don't know how all of this is going to work. Not to mention that, if I do get into Mercy, I have to have finances while I'm there. I have to have money if I need to go to the doctor, for psychological services (they mentioned something about this, but I don't understand), money for personal needs and personal hygiene products, and for travel home for breaks and stuff. So, with all that said, and I'm sure there is more, I am in need of God's provision.

Over the last few weeks, I think I have gotten pointers from God that are still pointing me in the direction of Mercy Ministries. One of them is that I stumbled upon Lamentations 3:22-27. It reads:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.

I found this verse randomly one night when I opened my Bible to read before bed. I felt that it was definitely God speaking to me, especially because I had just prayed right before I read this and it seemed like God was answering my prayer with "wait". I talked to a friend about it who I was put into contact with by a girl in my Bible study. This friend had been to Mercy about a year ago, so it was great that I had her to talk to. I told her about the verse and she said that "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning" is something I'll hear a lot at Mercy. She said that when you graduate, you get a ring that means that same verse. Sign number 1? Maybe.

Before I left school, I had a friend tell me that she felt that in two weeks I'd have my answer. Well, two weeks came and went, and there was no answer. A few days after the two weeks had passed, a lady from my church here at home called to tell me about a job opportunity she had found online. It was for an editor for Joyce Meyer Ministries, located in St. Louis, Missouri, which is where one of the Mercy houses is located. I spent the night in confusion and wrestling because I didn't understand why this was being thrown my way. I really thought that Mercy was where I was going. This just didn't make sense to me. I talked to my friend and she mentioned that Joyce Meyer Ministries works closely with Mercy Ministries, they are both located in St. Louis (well, the home I'm hoping to get into and the one where she was), and Mercy uses a lot of Joyce's materials. So, maybe, this is a sign that I'm headed in the right direction. The next day, I looked up the job description, and I really don't feel that I fit it. I don't have 3-5 years of experience and I don't know journalism styles and a few other things. But, the worst they can say is 'no', right?

So, I'm still waiting. I will be working to finish this application for Mercy and Joyce Meyer Ministries. I have no idea what God is doing, but know that I want Him to put me where He wants me so that I can bring glory to His name. In the mean time, I'm trying to have peace, love, and patience at home, but it's failing. So, I need your prayers. Pray that God would help me while I'm here at home, that He would somehow get me out of here and soon, and that Mercy would come through.

I know there are a lot of people praying for me, and I thank you. Just keep on praying and I will keep on believing that my answer is coming.

A Piece of the Puzzle

I've had this puzzle piece since my freshman year of college. No, I didn't decide to take it out of a puzzle because it was my favorite piece, nor did I find it and decide to keep it. It was given to me.

During my freshman year of college, a woman came to our campus and spoke in chapel one morning. Sadly, I don't remember her name, but I do remember the message and the meaning behind the puzzle piece. She gave her testimony, a story of how God saw past her dirtiness and filth to who she really was: His daughter. She talked about how there were so many times in her life where she didn't know what God was doing, but knew He was doing something.

But, the message about the puzzle piece was what stuck with me the most, and is what comes back to me as I stare at it sitting on my desk. It is that we only have a piece of the puzzle to look at, but God has the entire box cover.

You know how, when you are putting together a puzzle and you have the box in front of you to guide you? Well, that's God. He's got the box with the complete picture on it. We've only got a puzzle piece, so we only see a very small portion of the whole picture, which is very large.

I'm preparing to walk across a stage on Saturday, May 21, 2011, and receive my B.A. in Professional Writing. The question most people have already asked is, "What are you doing after you graduate?" My answer? "I have no idea, but God does."

And that is the truth. I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate. I think I am going home for a short period of time, but I'm not sure. There is a possibility that I could go to Kentucky and intern, but I don't know where, when, or for how long. Then, I have been looking at and praying about Mercy Ministries. My friend sent me the link sometime last semester, telling me that a friend of hers went there and has been forever changed. She thought it would be a good place for me to go. I looked at it, and then put it in a folder to look at later. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that, for some reason, made me start thinking about Mercy again. I think this is maybe where God wants me to go, but I'm not sure. I haven't come upon any opposition to me going when I talk to people about it. They seem all for it, saying that it's exactly what I need. I have the application, and it is a tedious process. I need to have sponsors to help with the costs of getting medical tests and a physical done, because I don't have insurance right now, and that could get expensive. I also need sponsors to sponsor me while I'm there, because I will need spending money, but won't have a job. Then, there are my school loans that I would need to get a deferment on and so many other things that I just don't know how they are going to work out.

But, God has the whole picture, and I have a piece. I know that with Him, all things are possible. I know that I can't limit Him, because He can do anything. I know that if this is where He wants me to go, He's going to provide the way. It is so hard to trust Him and take this leap of faith. But, isn't that what this whole 'Christianity' thing is about, anyway?

If you find yourself not knowing what you are supposed to do in a situation or just not knowing how something is going to work out, grab a puzzle piece from a puzzle and remind yourself that God, who is All-Sufficient, Jehovah Jireh, has the box cover and sees the whole picture. He knows what He wants to do and He knows where the pieces that you hold in your hands fit into the whole picture.