Jehovah-Jireh

Jehovah-Jireh: my God who provides.

When I look back over my life, there are things that can only be explained as being from the living God. When there were times I was in need, it was by His hand that He provided. Whether it was a financial, health, relationship or any other need, He was faithful to provide. Through the times I had to depend on Him and His provision as the only way to make it through, I learned that He is a good God, faithful to His children. I learned that He can be trusted. I learned that He knows what I need and will provide.

I only have to ask, and my Father will bless.

He is Jehovah-Jireh, my God who provides.

I know that He will provide for all of my needs. But, there comes a point where I am tired of finding myself in the same situation over and over again.

What am I not learning? What have I missed?

If it's tithing, I'll start tithing.

If it's trust, I'll trust You more.

If it's that I shouldn't worry, I'll believe more that you will take care of me, and I won't fret.

If it's that when You call me You'll make the way, I'll believe.

If it's to not say "I can't" because of insufficiency when You say 'Go here' or 'Do this', I'll learn that You make me sufficient.

If it's to draw me closer to Yourself, I'll come as close as You want.

If it's to love You more, I will.

If it's to know that all things are possible through You who give me strength, I'll know it with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

If it's to depend more on Your strength, and not my own, I'll lean so heavily on You that I will fall over if one of us moves.

If it's to let You fight my battles for me, I'll hand You my sword.

If it's to get out of Your seat, I'll move.

But, why does this keep coming up? Why am I here yet again?

Teach me.

Daddy

Dads are special to a little girl. They tell her who she is, affirming her as she grows. They fight for her when the boy comes to pick her up. They give her away at her wedding, after walking her down that aisle. They have the first dance. As I write this, I weep for sorrow and for joy.

My dad has been absent from my life since I was three. He was abusive and not a good dad. He shattered my world, and broke me. I have always been sad about this. Growing up, I always wanted a dad. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful, to affirm me. I wanted someone to do the father-daughter stuff with. I wanted someone to give that crummy gift I made for father's day at church. I wanted someone to tell me he was proud of me, and that he loved me. I wanted a dad to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder when I hurt. I wanted a dad who would take me in his arms, throw me up in the air and onto his shoulders. I wanted a dad to laugh and cry with. I wanted a dad.

This year has been one of growth for me. I have grown spiritually in ways I never thought possible. God has been showing me things about Himself and me that are beyond my imagination.

One of these things is that He is my Daddy.

Daddy. It is a term of endearment. God. He's so powerful, yet He allows me to call Him 'Abba'. Throughout these last two months, that is what I have been getting to know Him as.

And what I have been finding is amazing, beyond anything I can comprehend. He loves me. He is for me. He will never leave or forsake me. He is good. He is Dad.

He is fixing what my earthly father broke. He is filling my daddy hole in my heart.

I know that He is better than any dad here on earth, because the things He says to me and about me are true. If an earthly father were to say them, they would be empty. But His words are so full of life and truth and love. He looks on me with compassion as a father looks upon his child. I am His child. He is my Daddy.

But at times, it is so hard. I long for an earthly father to hold me and do all the things fathers do. It hurts. There is sorrow that cannot be put into words.

And yet, there is a joy. I know that while I do not have an earthly father, I have a Heavenly Father who is so much better.

He says that I am beautiful. He loves me no matter what I do. He is proud of me. He has walked through all of the difficulties I have been through. He will never reject or abandon me. He fights battles for me. I can trust Him so completely and without hesitation. He will not fail. I can take Him everywhere with me. He never leaves my side. He sings to me and dances over me while I sleep. He takes great delight in His creation. He formed me in my mom's womb, and knew me before I was born. Who can say that about their dad?

My Dad created the stars I gaze and wonder at. He created the trees that I love and take so much joy in. He paints the morning sunrise and the evening sunsets that take my breath away. My name is written on His palm. Who can say that about their dad?

While I don't understand the purpose for not having an earthly father, I find that if I did, I would not know God as Daddy like I do.

And I have the hope that, one day, I will see my Daddy face to face. I will be able to sit in His lap. He will take me into His strong arms, swing me into the air, and land me on His shoulders. We will laugh together and He will call me "sweetie", as He does now. I know that when I get Home, He will have a new name that only He and I will know.

There is so much more I could say, but words cannot capture my Dad. My soul groans with things about my Dad I can't express. All I can say is that my Dad is the best in all the world, no lie. He's God.

I Once Was So Lost...

I once was so lost,
but now I'm found.
I was so bound,
but now I'm free.
He has broken my chains,
and I'll say it again:

I am free!

I sat in darkness so dark
I thought I'd never escape.
I thought light was a thing of my past.
I thought it would never pierce my darkness.

But I was wrong.
Light came.

My demons surrounded me,
taunted me,
haunted me.
They made escape seem impossible.

I dreamed of things at night that haunted me in the day.
My demons laughed in my face those nightmarish nights.
They tormented me,
refusing to let go.

I had cutting,
and I had fear.
I had anger,
and I had pain.
I had shame,
and I had hate.

My head was downcast,
my eyes refused to meet yours.

It seemed I had lost my faith.
I clawed at what I doubted, and could not see.
The demons inside screamed when I was in church.
They demanded I deny His existence.
But, I couldn't.
Those words would not come out of my mouth.
Something would not let them.

I should be dead,
in the ground.

That demon suicide teased me.
He almost won.
But, I had a Spirit inside me, fighting for me.
He was my will to live, to remain alive,
even when I wanted to give up.

By God's grace alone I am alive.

He sustained me.
He carried me.
He was my light.
He brought me up out of the pit I was in.
He set my feet on the rock,
and put a new song in my mouth.
He filled me to overflowing with joy.

And He gave me the victory.

Today is April 7th.
I celebrate two months of victory over and freedom from my demons of self-injury and suicidal thoughts.

I'll declare it for all to hear:

I AM FREE!!!

He broke my chains and delivered me!

I AM FREE!!!

Easter Sunday

This day means so much to so many people. Without it, we wouldn't be able to have life. The event that happened on this day is an event like none other. On this day, one man gave His live for the entire world. Three days later, something else happened that has never happened in the history of man and never will: He rose again.

My mom always told me that she would die for me, taking my place. She would go through the fire for me, take a bullet for me, do anything to let me live. And if my dad would have been in my life, I know he would have, too.

But, the greatest thing is that neither of them have to. It's already been done. There is a man who has already taken the cross for me. I never have to worry about it. My Father already died for me. He loves me so much that He took my place on that cruel cross.

I have been reflecting this morning about Christ and His love for me. It is overwhelming. I cannot comprehend it. It is amazing. He took my sins upon Himself when He died for me on the cross that should have been mine. I am forever grateful, but don't have the words to express so.

I just can't wait until the day He comes for me! That is what this day has made possible: that I might live and He would come back for me one day. I cannot wait until I can see Him face to face and sit in His lap for all of eternity.

Father, thank you for making this possible. Thank you for choosing to die for me, taking my place, and rising again. I am yours! Thank you for this day we call Easter Sunday!

Who am I?

I was just sitting outside my friend's cabin in Deep Creek Lake, Maryland. I turned off the outside lights so I could better see the stars. When the lights were on, I could hardly see any stars. Going back out after turning off the lights, I was speechless. The stars were amazing! There were so many! And they were all so beautiful!

As I sat there, being the thinker I am, I began pondering God's crazy, yet awesome, character. I mean, He created each of those stars. He breathed them into being, knows each of them by name, yet loves me more than one of them. How nuts is that?

But, it's not. It's amazing.

It's love. Pure, unconditional love.

I mean, who am I? Who am I that He loves me? I am so small compared to just one of those stars, and there are gazillions of them! Yet, He loves me. He chooses to love me. I don't have to do anything to earn it, and there is nothing I can do to lose it. That's what is so amazing about my God.

And not only is He my God, but He's my Daddy.

My Daddy made all those stars! Wow!

Refiner's Fire

God has been in the process of refining me lately. The definition of 'refine' according to dictionary.com is "to bring to a fine or pure state; free from impurities; to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured; to reduce to a pure state; purify; to remove by purifying; to become free of impurities". I could go on and on about this definition, but it is pretty clear. This definition gets me excited about this refining process. All the impurities are going to be gone and I will be pure. But, one thing.

It takes fire.

When you refine metals, you use fire. The metal has to get hot enough in order to remove things.

Isaiah 48:10 "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering."

Ouch, God. This fire hurts. It's hot, but how else is He going to get out the impurities?

Through this refining process, God has been teaching me a lot. When I realized I was going to have to talk about and deal with some things that were very difficult, I didn't know how I could do that and not hate myself. I felt like the stuff inside was so...well...impure, that I couldn't face it without feeling shame and self-hatred. One day when I was at work, I was in my own world with music blasting in my ear buds, talking to God. He impressed this upon me:

"Mindy, I know the stuff inside you. I know what is there. I know you, I see you, and I love you. You don't have to hate yourself."

I was blown away. 'What? I don't have to hate myself?' Wow. This was only confirmed a week later in chapel when the speaker said this:

"When we are before Christ, we can look at ourselves honestly because He sees us, He knows us, and He loves us."

Wow! Wow, God! I know that He wants to refine me and it's okay. It's okay to acknowledge these things inside because He loves me. He sees them and knows they are there, but loves me anyway! Wow!

The other thing He has been teaching me is this:

"Mindy, when you are weak, I am strong."

These two things I have had to remind myself of daily. They give me great comfort and hope, as well as strength. He is my strength when I am weak. This refining process is going to make me weak. The fire is hot and it takes a lot out the thing being refined. But, no matter how weak I get, He is my strength and will help me make it through.

Already I have recognized that my flesh and my spirit are warring with one another. My flesh wants out of this fire because it hurts and is hard. On the other hand, my spirit knows it has to remain even when the fire gets hotter. I know that even though it is hard, I am excited to see the end result. He is making me into a thing of beauty, pure, and elegant. He is making me into the vessel He wants to use for His glory. I am excited to see how He is going to use me, and how it is going to be a testimony to others that refining, redemption, and restoration is possible. After all,

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future."

and

Isaiah 55:8-9 "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

He knows what's best for me.

Lord, help me to remain in this fire. Even when the heat gets to be unbearable, help me stay there. I know you have good things for me and I know this is what you want to do in my life. Thank you for your refinery. Thank you that you love me too much to leave me the way you found me. Thank you for how you are going to use me. I am your vessel, to be used for your glory. Here I am. I am yours. Amen.

Something about Sundays and Seven

Sunday, February 7th, 2010, things changed.

I wasn't supposed to be here, in more than one way. From November to that day in February, I had struggled with self injury, suicidal thoughts, hating myself, demons, and darkness. I felt far away from God, like I was in the enemy's hand, and that there was no hope for me. I would stand in church and want to run out, screaming that there was no God. I was angry and hurting, broken and on the way to destruction. I wasn't supposed to be there.

Not only was I not supposed to be there that day because of all that stuff, but because I was supposed to be on a wing retreat with the women of 3rd Center English Hall. What prevented us from going was a snow storm. We remained on campus, thus able to attend church on Sunday.

I wasn't expecting church to be any different that day, or for anything extraordinary to happen. I was simply doing the 'Christian duty' at that point, because it was expected of me. But, when is God ever ordinary?

After worship, another time of me standing with my hands in my pockets, observing everyone else worshiping, bound in my chains, the pastor began his sermon. He spoke of the night before, and how the Spirit would not leave him alone. The sermon he had prepared he was not to preach. He had to change his message entirely. He believed that God had a message for someone, but he wasn't sure who. My ears perked at this.

He began by saying that when we ask 'Why? Why me? Why did this happen to me?', and those kinds of questions, it gives the enemy opportunity to come in and flood us with his lies. Boy, he was right on.

The next thing he said that was crucial to me at this point, which was his entire message, was that we are not alone. He said that we may be in the most difficult battle of our lives, but we are not without help. This was definitely something that I needed to hear because I had been feeling that I was alone. This was good news.

Another thing he said that morning that was crucial was that the enemy might say, "I've got you", but he never has us because God has us in His hand. Just that week, I had been feeling like the enemy had me in his grasp and I did not know how to get free. As I said earlier, I felt so far away from God and felt like there was no hope for me.

The pastor also told me in that sermon that God is stronger than anything in my life: stronger than the circumstances, struggles, sin...and that He is not intimidated by any of it.

And that He loves me right where I am today.

If God could love me right where I was at that point in time, maybe there was hope for me, after all.

There was an altar call to which I did not hesitate to answer. The walk to the altar from my seat was a teary-eyed one, and once there, the tears proceeded to fall from my eyes. I wept and wept. I was prayed over and demons were cast out in the name of Jesus and the enemy told to leave.

And something happened.

I felt the change as I left the altar that morning, and continued to feel it through the week. From that point, I began to actually talk to God. I had never talked to Him before, because I felt stupid. But, I began to talk to Him. I began to be honest with Him, pouring out my heart before my Father. And it was good.

He began to work. He began to talk to me, or rather I began to hear Him. He spoke things to me that were confirmed later through people who had no idea about what He had spoken to me.

Not only did we begin to converse back and forth, but He began refining me. He has been breaking me, only to make me into a masterpiece, purified from the furnace of suffering. He is going to use me in great ways for His glory. He is going to show the world His glory through me.

He is setting me free.

That Sunday, the entire sermon was important for me to hear. It was what I needed. I'm convinced it was specifically for me, the snowstorm was specifically so that we would have to stay on campus, and He wanted to change me that morning. And He did. He began it and will continue it.

Which leads me to today. Today is Sunday, March 7th, 2010. Exactly one month later.

I can hardly believe that so much has taken place in one month. God is soo good. My God is soo good.

There is something about Sundays. They are the Lord's day. Every day is His day, but Sunday is special. Sunday is the day where we get to praise Him for what He is doing.

And there is something about the number seven. It is the Lord's number. The number 7 represents purification.

Yeah, that's right: purification.

He is refining me, and the definition of 'refine' means 'to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing....to purify'. He is purifying me.

February 7th began a change.
March 7th marks one month of freedom and victory.

Both happen on a Sunday. Both happen on the 7th.

Is God good, or what?

Not just good: He's intoxicating. Overwhelming. Wonderful.

He's my Freedom. My Purification. My Victory.

To Him be the glory forever. And may my praise to Him be uninhibited and loud.

Thank you, Dad, for what you are doing and have done in my life, in me.